Texts I’d Like to Send

I’m convinced that backsliding is a part of getting over every relationship. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself so that I don’t feel like a total loser. A little over a month ago I hit the dating scene again in an attempt to get over the guy with whom I was in a “non-relationship” for some time. (Recap, more recap) I’ve been out with a few guys, including one who I’ve been seeing for almost a month now. I know, shocking.

I still think about D. daily. I still peek at his Twitter, and I wonder whether he does the same or whether he reads this blog. I’m always thinking of the things I’d like to say to him if I decided to break down and text or e-mail him again. Top of the list:

  • If this wasn’t a relationship, please explain in your own words exactly what you thought it was and what “I love you” meant to you.
  • You started it.
  • An apology would be nice.
  • What the hell were you thinking, anyway?
  • How’s living with your parents working out for you?
  • You are a gutless coward who will never amount to anything and I hope you die alone. (OK, only on my very worst days.)

Yesterday was the first day that felt like real progress in almost four months since my last fight with him. I was thinking about my upcoming date with the person I’m seeing now. The new guy is great in a lot of ways. He’s not magic, I don’t love him, I don’t know if that’s ever going to happen. But he also doesn’t turn me into a clingy basketcase by giving me endless mixed signals, constantly flaking out or showing up late, disappearing for days at a time, or (my personal favorite) letting me spend Thanksgiving alone.

(D.: I’ve talked to several people and it’s pretty unanimously agreed that you deserve a place in the Asshole Hall of Fame for that one. You’re lucky I didn’t decide to throw a turkey at your head.)

Yesterday, I really felt like I wanted to move on. I was sick of feeling stuck, I was sick of giving so much time and attention to someone who didn’t even seem sorry for breaking my heart. I was excited to have another date coming up with the new guy. Today, the progress feels a little less. You see one thing that reminds you of him, you have one bad day, and you just put all that frustration right back in the old places. One step forward, two steps back.

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